Hiking around the coastal shoreline I was thinking about Demi Lovato and her recent relapse from sobriety. Sad for her current situation, her struggles. What was the thought she had right before she chose to use? I wondered.
I recalled my own evening that comprised of choosing not to go on an adventurous overnight trip. What was the thought I had right before I turned around? It’s raining and I don’t know that I will get a good night sleep. It will be too hot to climb tomorrow and possibly too wet. So I sent the text baling on the camping trip and turned the car around heading home.
I used the rain for an excuse. I doubted I would have fun. I doubted I would sleep. I doubted I would enjoy the experience. I made a negative prediction about what would happen. I could as easily have predicted a positive outcome… the rain will stop before I even get to the launch point.
What thoughts lead me to believe in and act on the negative prediction? On a superficial level, I thought, the rain will get all my stuff wet, I will be wet. I won’t enjoy being wet or sitting alone in my tent to avoid getting wet. I predicted I would be alone despite the fact that I was going to an island that had seventy people camping on it. Wait, what?
I actually on a more subtle level predicted I would be alone on an island with seventy people. There it is… the self doubt; doubting my relationships with the people on the island. This doubt about relationships only primes the pump to choose disordered eating… something I have in common with Demi Lovato.
“I need to take back the light inside that you stole.” from the lyrics of Warrior, by Demi Lovato. Herein lies a problem. No one steals your light. You give it away. Even little girls give away their light, though these little girls do not know the full repercussion of the choice. That is where we look to an adult for the support in making the best choices. Demi definitely grew up too fast, but she too was a part of the decision to do so. She too got something out of it… admiration, love (even if it was not real love, or acceptance). She would not be the amazing role model she is today without this path already taken.
Like Demi, I gave away my light. I was ashamed and felt betrayed by the so called friend. I gave up saying the things I really wanted to say in order to not be judged and rejected. I put on the armour and I became a sentinel watching on the look out for the next betrayal. And when you look for betrayal, you will always find it. Even still twice Demi’s age, I subconsciously fall back into armouring up when I fear betrayal. I go on the offence of just removing myself from potential betrayal, rejection, or defending myself.
This means I miss many beautiful and joyous moments of life and my soul longs deeply for the connections I have armoured myself from. I feel lonely. I too self soothe with unhealthy choices. No matter how closed off from the world or numb to it I am, I still know of and long for the light and fresh air outside.
“a room can be dank because you have closed the windows, you’ve closed the curtains. But the sun is shining outside, and the air is fresh outside. In order to get that fresh air, you have to get up and open the window and draw the curtains apart.” ~ Desmond Tutu
The pain of confusion and uncertainty of whether to continue to defend or to open the curtains is the birthplace of doubt. And doubt will often lead to continued inappropriate actions.
The word warrior means to be actively engaged in combat. To be at war. That is why there is a compulsion to numb. Being at war is full of confusion, chaos, negativity. To be a warrior means to take down others in order to win. There is no joy in trying to destroy others.
Joy is only born from love, a sense of connection, empathy. Forgiveness. To forgive someone is to give a gift from them; whereas to love is to desire someone. Even unconditional love merely means to unconditionally desire and adore another. Can you love yourself as a victim? As a perpetrator? If you answer yes to only one, then it is not unconditional and when you cannot love another, you cannot fully love yourself. The curtains are drawn and the armour is on.
“You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.” ~ Maya Angelou
Unconditional forgiveness — that is surely not the action of a warrior. It is the action of loving what is, what has happened and what will be. Only then will the armour come off, the curtains open and fresh air and light spill in.
